Eight: Decision Making

Almost every week when I sit down to write my post, I have a solid idea in my mind of what I am going to write about. I’ve usually jotted down some notes in my phone about it. I’ve usually constructed sentences for it while in the shower (man… I should be thinking of dirtier things in the shower, huh?) or on my drive to work. But, almost every week, as I’m writing the post, pouring my thoughts out, I hit a brick wall. Literally halfway through a post I make the decision that this is not what I want/need to be writing about and cannot continue. It’s like all of a sudden something in my brain clicks and I realize there is something else dying to get out of my brain. So I save my half post and move on…

This week was no different. Today at work, I knew exactly what I was going to write about when I got home. I had a half post I wanted to add to and was ready to work on but after hearing myself say a sentence, for the second time in twenty-four hours, and not being happy about it, I decided this was what I needed to talk about this week.

What is the sentence you ask? “I’m not going to do it. But if I saw someone else do it, I would be totally jealous and wish I’d been ballsy enough to.”

What were these in reference to? 1) I was talking about buying some fun glasses to add to my rotation of frames.  2) Asking a dude out on a date via Twitter.

Let’s talk about each of these.

1) This is probably such a silly, girly thing to worry about. If you like a pair of glasses, why the hell not go for it and order them? As someone who wears glasses every single day (to help me see, not just for decoration), they have become a way I identify myself/my personal style. So I wanted to order a pair of glasses that were different than what I’m used to and literally said out loud to my friends that I wasn’t going to order them because I didn’t think I’d have the balls to wear them, but that if I saw someone else wearing them I’d be so pissed I hadn’t just gone for it. After I said this I didn’t really think about it – just moved on with my day and forgot about it all together.

2) I was joking with my friends about asking a guy on a date via Twitter. This would not only have been the first time I asked a dude on a date via social media, but it would be the first time I asked a guy out in general. I’m all about saying fuck gender roles but there’s something to be said about the tradition of a guy asking a girl out. I will do my best to make it known I’m diggin your dougie* but I’d like you to make the first move. (After that, I’ll make all kinds of first moves, though, no worries.) I decided against doing so for a multitude of reasons, but again I found myself saying that I’d have nothing but praise for a girl who did in fact have the balls to go for it. Ie: Ms. Jen Friel. But c’mon her life and my life are worlds apart. She has the luxury of asking dudes out via Twitter, I have yet to gain that.

This got me thinking (realizing I say this in almost every post) about why I don’t do things I want to do. No, I can’t make a blanket statement and say I never do anything I want. Very rarely do I allow fear to have any say in the decisions I make but every now and then it creeps its way into my mind and commands me to listen. But what I’m really thinking about is whether or not this is a bad thing. After I basically pussied out of both of those things, I was pissed at myself. But maybe I wasn’t pussying out… Maybe my rational mind was just making judgment calls and the Chelsea in the moment didn’t want to agree with them.

After trying to determine which of these was true, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is a combination. As far as the glasses go, I’m just being dumb and worrying about what other people will think of how they look. But ya know what? Fuck it. I like those glasses and I’m the one who has to wear them. Don’t like ‘em? Don’t look at my face! I bet they don’t like you either. Okay I just want to clarify that I understand making the decision on what glasses to buy is really not that serious and I’ve turned it into something so much more but this absurd internal dialogue is helping me learn more about myself and you can’t blame a girl for embracing that.

As far as the extreme flirting on Twitter, I think it was my brain exhibiting self-control. Sure, had it resulted in the dude being psyched and us kickin’ it, I would have been pretty damn excited, but it wasn’t worth the risk. Sometimes we have to calculate what we want, and what it’s worth. Worth being embarrassed the next time I saw the person? Nope. Worth dealing with rejection when my confidence has been at an all-time high lately? Nope. Worth ruining a possible friendship? No. So I let it go. Also, I think I want to take my dating life to the real world a bit more.  I’ll go into details about that statement another day but just know, asking someone out on Twitter was not the right thing for me to do today. But maybe one day it will be.

All of that being said, I’ve decided that I can’t always use the cop out that I “don’t have the balls” to do something, because thanks to my second X chromosome, I will in fact never have balls. Guess this means I’m off to order a new pair of glasses and see what happens with the cute fella. Waiting is part of the fun anyway, right?

*Diggin your/his/her/my dougie is a phrase one of my dear friends started saying about a year ago. It means someone is romantically interested or attracted to someone else. At first, I criticized her and refused to give in. I constantly made fun of her for saying it and swore it sounded like some new sex position. But lately I find myself using it and non-stop and not able to find a better phrase to describe what I mean. So this is me waving my white flag and saying you, my lovely friend stuck in a flyover state, you win this one.

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